My DP/DR began one night when I was smoking the last bit of weed that my friend and I had. We made the smallest joint on this planet. Seriously, it was real pathetic. Anyway, I smoked it with him, and everything in the room started turning all red. I started freaking out and told him I wanted to go to the hospital. This was the first time I had ever requested going to a hospital over a drug like this. Somehow this scared me even more than my LSD experience. Anyway, I finally calmed down hours later, and stayed home. The next morning I felt better, but a little off. I’d say a month after that the DP/DR just hit me. My arms and hands didn’t seem like mine, and my reflection just didn’t seem right. It’s never been the same since then (7 years ago).
After about a year, I felt a lot better. To the point where I was totally fine in the world. I decided I wanted to lose some weight, so I started jogging with a friend of mine. I was jogging every single day for 2 miles. I was eating almost nothing. I lost weight REAL fast, and started getting days where I was real dizzy due to not eating. Somehow from doing this, it amplified my DP/DR that had pretty much gone away. It amplified it to the point where I finally decided to seek help. I saw this moron of a doctor (I call him a moron because he never listened to me, and told me to do what he said without giving my input…) who perscribed me Paxil CR 12.5mg for agoraphobia. I explained to him I thought I was having the agoriphobia because of the DP/DR, not the other way around. He never even had heard of DP/DR if I recall…
Anyway, the Paxil made me feel awesome the first day. I found it funny because he said it would take a while to kick in. I felt so great the first day I was actually able to go out and do things with my wife. I remember thinking, “wow, I can finally live again!” The next day came, and the Paxil CR wore off about 2 hours before I was to take my next dose. I remember waves of panic crashing through me, and it almost took me to my knees (I was standing.) I finally took the Paxil again, but it didn’t really help after that. From there on out it was downhill with the Paxil. Crazy stuff starting happening. I would wake up in the middle of the night and not recognize my wife. I would be saying in my head over and over again: “That’s Nichole… That’s Nichole…) and I started getting thoughts that just weren’t mine. I remember my wife and I were standing in a fabric store talking to someone, and I just had this thought to grab the scissors out of his hand and stab him in the neck. The second I thought that in my head I was like: “What the hell is my problem!” I went outside to walk around, but never really felt better. I called my doc and told him I was losing sleep, having thoughts that wern’t mine, and really felt like it was making me worse. He told me there’s no way the medicine could be doing it, because it hadn’t been long enough yet, and that it was just my symptoms becoming worse. He recomended upping the dosage. I can’t remember what I told him, but I never upped the dosage. Months had gone by (maybe around 4 or 5) and I was still feeling really bad. I remember I left work and was on my way to the local fast food joint for lunch and I noticed that I was feeling really good. I was like: “Wow, I think I’m finally starting to feel better!” I got my lunch, ate, and then looked at the clock. It was hours past the time I was supposed to take my Paxil. After that I threw the pills in the toilet, and quit cold turkey. I felt AWESOME as the next few weeks went by. Now fast forward to present, and I seem to be getting worse again. My neurologist wants me to take Lexapro (another SSRI…yea, as if you guys don’t know that…) and he keeps trying to convince me that another SSRI might not give me the same bad results. I haven’t tried it yet. I was seeing the neurologist for another problem, and the only thing he found wrong with my brain is apparently I have “enlarged ventricals” whatever that means. He thinks it’s just normal for my brain. I had another MRI done about a year later, and they hadn’t gotten any bigger. He says to get another one done in 2 or 3 years to make sure it doesn’t change, and if it doesn’t then to just drop it all together.
I get very little sleep. I find myself waking up all the damn time in the night. I wake up and feel like I have never gone to sleep during the night.
I also took ritalin as a kid because my parents said I had (at the time it was called ADD) ADHD. However, they said they took me off of it because they tried me on it, and on a placebo and I acted the same.
OK, now that I’m sure I’ve totally bored you with all of this, please figure this stupid thing out! Why is it when the brain malfunctions, it always malfunctions towards evil??
Anyway, if you want me to elaborate on anything, or have more questions, I will be more than happy to help you guys out.
Good luck guys, and I’m extactic that someone is actually working on this. I plan on donating to your site once you get everything up and running.
One more thing (I’m trying to think of everything I can…) my Dad was recently diagnosed with MS. I don’t know if it’s genetic or what… but hey, if it fits some corrolation somewhere… who knows. It’s 1 AM where I am… I’m off to sleep …
davidkozin -